Why I Stopped Chasing 'Friends' After 25 Years in L.A.: A Survivor’s Guide to Killing the Myth of Family

 Survival Strategy by Natsu

After 25 Years in LA, I Finally Stopped Chasing "Friends"

Look, I’ve been in Los Angeles for over 25 years. And if there’s one thing this city teaches you, it’s how to overthink human relationships. Honestly, you probably think about it way more here than you ever would staying in Japan.

First off, do we even need friends? I mean, what are they for, really? To go shopping? To have someone sit across from you because you’re scared of eating alone? To just dump your complaints on?

I’ve noticed that women, especially, tend to categorize people without even realizing it. "She’s my dinner buddy." "She’s my shopping partner." I'm not saying everyone does it, but I see it a lot. It’s like we’re just filling slots in a schedule.

Now, I’m not a monk or anything, but growing up in Japan, Buddhist philosophy kind of seeps into your bones. I went to church as a kid, too, so I don't follow one specific religion. I just take the good bits from everywhere. If there’s a God, there’s probably only one anyway, right?

But back to Buddhism—there’s this concept called "Zenyu" (Good Friends). These are the people who actually lead you toward a better version of yourself. In Buddhism, they say, "Having good friends isn't half of the journey; it’s the whole damn journey." Basically, who you hang out with decides your entire life.

But let’s be real for a second. That’s a total fantasy for most of us.

If you’ve found a connection like that, congrats, you’ve hit the jackpot. But in the real world? I don’t think it exists for most people. Sure, parents die first, so you might spend more time with a partner or a best friend. But look at the divorce rates. Look at how many people are getting their souls crushed by trolls online. How many people actually have someone who can save them when they’re drowning? Most of us are just struggling in silence, alone.

There’s another Buddhist idea I love: "Shogyo Mujo" (Impermanence) and "En" (Connections).

It means every single relationship is bound to change. Your best friend becomes a stranger. A random acquaintance becomes your ride-or-die. Instead of seeing that as a "betrayal" or a "loss," you just look at it and say, "The shape of our connection just changed."

That’s it. No drama.

I love this idea of not clinging too hard. It’s freaking hard to actually do, though. Only people who have been through the meat grinder of human drama can truly understand it.

So, whether it’s a friend, a partner, or even just your neighbor—they’re all just "connections" passing through. If they drift away, they drift away. Even if you have a massive blowout or just stop caring about someone you used to love, it’s okay. The "shape" just changed.

If you can respect the connection with the person standing right in front of you right now—without obsessing over forever—you’ll find the answer to dealing with people.

Forget Bloodlines: Why "Strangers" are Your Real Lifeline in a Crisis

There’s a Japanese proverb that hits harder than a shot of cheap tequila: "A neighbor nearby is better than a relative far away."

In Los Angeles, a city built on broken dreams and fresh starts, this isn't just some dusty old saying. It’s the difference between drowning and keeping your head above water. Whether you’re navigating the streets of LA or anywhere else in the world, the truth is brutal: Blood isn’t always thicker than water. Sometimes, water is the only thing that puts out the fire.

The Myth of the "Reliable Family"

We’re conditioned to believe that family is the ultimate safety net. But let’s get real. I’ve lived through the nightmare. Picture this: Two tiny babies screaming, the walls closing in, and a partner who was a ghost. He’d crawl home past midnight, smelling of gambling dens and lost money, while I was vibrating on the edge of a total nervous breakdown.

Where was "family" then? My own mother and I haven't spoken about real problems since I was a kid. I’ve been working since I was 15 because I had to escape. If I had waited for "family" to save me, I wouldn't be here writing this today.

The Power of the "Nearby Stranger"

The people who actually pulled me back from the ledge weren't on my Christmas card list. They were "strangers."

• The Social Worker: The one at the clinic who didn't just check a box but actually listened when I said I was dying inside.

• The Coworkers: The people at the jobs I took just to survive, who gave me more dignity than my own home life did.

• The Neighbors: The ones who see you struggling with the groceries and the kids, and offer a hand without asking for your life story.

Why "Frequency" Trumps DNA

People change. You change. Your "perfect" partner might turn into a stranger. Your "blood relatives" might become toxic anchors. When the people you're supposed to trust stop providing answers, stop looking for them there. You’re just digging in a dry well.

Instead, look for Frequency (Wave-length). Sometimes, a person you just met at a coffee shop or a new colleague at a gig job has a "vibe" that aligns perfectly with your current struggle. In Buddhism, we call this "En" (Connection). These connections aren't meant to be permanent statues; they are waves. They come in when you need them, and they might wash away when the lesson is learned.

How to Survive When You’re Alone

1. Stop Obsessing Over Titles: "Husband," "Mother," "Brother"—these are just labels. If the person behind the label is draining your soul, the label is worthless.

2. Trust Your Primal Gut: Look people in the eye. You have an instinct that’s been sharpened by survival. If your gut says, "I can talk to this stranger," do it.

3. Don't Cling: Relationships are fluid. If a connection fades or ends in a blowout, don't see it as a failure. The "shape of the connection" simply changed.

Life is messy, and human beings are complicated. But if you stop clinging to the ghost of what "should be" and start valuing the angels standing right in front of you—even if they’re strangers—you’ll find the strength to keep going.